Hi everyone! It's been quite a while since my last entry. For a good reason too...not much to say about my life. The only reason I decided to post a new entry it's because of my one-year anniversary since the stupid accident. I regret every day of my life doing that idiotic thing; who knows where I would be if I hadn't fallen down that day from the slide with my bike? Would I be in Germany, Spain, or Italy maybe? Or maybe I would have suffered an even more terrible fate like being run down by a car or killed by a mugger. It's futile anyway to think of "what could have been if" and I should think more "what will happen next".
The masseur still comes by on every second day of the week, more exactly on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and keeps my legs from atrophying much; however other than that no other new feelings have appeared. I still feel inner numbness on my legs and especially at the buttocks area, but nothing more. Plus I do have a somewhat new sensation I guess...it's as if I feel when I poop or have to poop but I'm not exactly sure if that's true. I do have a confession to make though: I guess it's mostly my fault that I haven't gotten any better. My masseur recommended me to do many things to help my spinal cord heal up faster, and also avoid any other health problems, like breathing exercices, drink lots of fluids and of course exercise a lot. However, I don't take his suggestions seriously enough.
All my life I haven't paid much attention to my health. I remember that when I was in high school I had terrible teeth problems and I also bathed rarely. Not to mention I watched a lot of TV since my childhood thus I have to wear such thick lenses. I do exercise daily and try to drink almost 2 liter of water but the problem is I don't try hard enough. I could do much more but I just don't have enough will power. I mean my life is pretty easy going like this, I have no worries, I don't have to work, the handicap money is more or less enough, I play all day long on my laptop or phone, watch movies, surf the Internet... It's almost a dream come true in a way. Of course, I do still wish that I would recover one day cause I don't really want to stay like this all my life. I just don't know what I would do if I recovered one day. Would I go back to my old life and get a low paying job again? Or maybe continue my journey around the world from where I left off? This time my family would literally tie me to my bed and never let me leave the house just so I wouldn't choose this path again. I did get back recently into writing fan fiction again but it's just a hobby and I don't get any money out of it.
I never had any consistent plans with my life, I've been always airy, starry-eyed, always in my own thoughts, in my own fantastic world, thinking of fun adventures, imagining myself as a strong hero with cool powers always saving the world. And the accident didn't change the person I used to be, I'm mostly the same. I know a person whose in a lot worse condition than me for over eight years, he can barely move his hands so he needs a lot more attention. I'm even afraid to imagine myself in his place. But the point is, he has so much will power that he exercises all day long thinking of nothing but to fully recover one day and start his life over as a normal person. I should be and do exactly like that person, but unfortunately I'm not. I'm the kind of person that thinks like this: if God really wants to heal me then good, if not then whatever. Therefore I don't deserve the slightest sympathy from anyone and I know that. I'm just lucky that my family still puts up with me but there might come a time when they won't be around no more or give up trying. The question is: will I regret not trying harder until then or will I still continue to not give a damn?
Thank you for baring with me up until now, but if you decide to not to "give a damn" about me anymore after reading this entry then I truly understand. I deserve that, I truly do. I don't know what else to write about so I'm just going to end this entry saying "Fuck it!"